


Some Days are Worse than Others

by RachaelJurassic



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Season/Series 02, set just after I Only Have Eyes for You
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 14:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30022929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachaelJurassic/pseuds/RachaelJurassic
Summary: It was like a tidal wave; the emotions receded, then they roared back, and that was the time to run.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Some Days are Worse than Others

Rupert blinked.

He looked at the clock.

Then down at the book he was supposed to be reading.

At the same page he’d had open almost an hour ago. 

He had no memory of reading it.

Just an hour spent staring at a wall.

He felt nothing.

In a way it was a relief. A break from the constantly swirling emotions that were becoming harder and harder to hide. But feeling dead inside scared him. Like he’d never feel again. Like he was hollow. No thoughts. He felt insubstantial, like he could float away. He wanted to float away.

He glanced through the window at the table in the library. The chairs were empty, which was unusual these days. Even Cordelia had been doing her homework there recently. He knew what the students were doing of course, they weren’t exactly subtle. They were baby-sitting him in shifts. He loved them for it, and he hated them for it. They shouldn’t have to look after him and they shouldn’t have to see him like this, and he wanted to scream at them to leave him alone. 

But when he was alone…

He looked down at his hands, they were shaking slightly. They always shook these days. He stared at the crumbs of the jam doughnut Xander had brought him this morning. He needed to eat something more nutritious than the endless sweets and biscuits he’d been craving. He had tried cooking all his favourite foods but after a couple of bites he wasn’t able to force any more down. He simply wasn’t hungry. He felt sick. He needed to eat. He needed to sleep. He needed…

He could feel it coming again. It was like a tidal wave; the emotions receded, then they roared back, and that was the time to run. He did just that. Through the stacks – thank heavens nobody ever came back there – to the small room that housed the old periodicals, and on to the punch bag he’d set up months ago.

Sometimes he imagined it was Angel’s face, sometimes it was just the nameless horrors and fears he kept locked up inside. Sometimes it was just something he could pound over and over until he fell exhausted to the ground, breathing hard, face wet, the worst over.

He’d cut his knuckle again. He’d have to keep that hidden. He’d shove his hands in his pockets - hide the evidence, paper over the cracks - and walk back to his office. But not yet. If any of the kids were there he needed to look presentable. 

It wasn’t just that he was ashamed. He was, but that wasn’t the point. It was that he was supposed to look after them not the other way around. They were seventeen-year-old kids who had seen too much. They were dealing with too much. Buffy had made herself ill, and she’d almost been killed by James’ ghost, she had to stop blaming herself. But no matter what Giles said it seemed to make no difference to how she felt.

He felt like a useless waste of space, but he couldn’t seem to drag himself out of this pit he found himself in.

He had to. Angelus needed to die. It was only a matter of time. Buffy needed her Watcher now more than ever. 

This whole mess was why the Council discouraged relationships. Not outright banned, but he could understand why they’d tried to drill that one into his thick skull.

‘Relationships are a distraction.’

‘They can be used against you.’

‘Your one focus is the Slayer.’ 

‘She is all that matters.’ 

He got up off the floor, straightened his tie, tucked in his shirt. He looked at his reflection in the small window beside him – no worse than usual he thought – and began the walk back to his life.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta RdC :)


End file.
